Are you listening to understand, or just waiting for your turn to speak?
Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and realized that while they were talking, you were already thinking about what you were going to say next?
I have. More times than I probably should admit.
And here’s the funny thing. During those conversations, I would have told you I was listening. After all, I could hear every word the person was saying.
But was I really listening?
That’s something I’ve thought about quite a bit over my years in leadership.
When we’re managing people, there’s always something that needs our attention. Problems to solve. Decisions to make. Employees who need answers. And quite often, we’re trying to get through all of it before the day gets away from us.
So when someone walks into our office with a problem, what do we do?
We start trying to fix it.
Sometimes before they’ve even finished telling us what the problem is!
I’ve come to believe that one of the biggest mistakes we make as leaders is assuming that because we’ve heard someone’s words, we understand what they’re trying to tell us.
Those are two very different things.
And learning the difference can make us much better leaders.
Sometimes Our Experience Gets in the Way
One of the advantages of being in leadership for a long time is experience. We’ve seen a lot of situations, worked through plenty of problems, and hopefully learned a few things along the way.
But experience can also create a challenge.
When someone begins describing a problem, it’s easy to think, “I’ve heard this before. I know exactly what’s going on.”
And maybe we do. But maybe we don’t.
Consider a manager who has an employee come to them about a scheduling concern. The employee starts explaining what’s happening, and the manager immediately jumps in with an explanation about staffing requirements and company policies.
The manager believes they’ve addressed the issue.
But what if the employee’s real concern wasn’t the schedule itself? What if the schedule was creating a problem with another team member, or there was something happening that the manager didn’t know about?
We won’t know unless we give the person an opportunity to explain.
I’ve come to appreciate that having experience doesn’t mean we have all the information.
Sometimes we need to put what we think we know aside for a few minutes and simply listen.
Experience can help us recognize a problem. Listening helps us understand the problem we’re actually dealing with.
That’s an important distinction.
People Want to Know They Matter
Here’s something else I’ve learned over the years.
People want to feel valued.
That shouldn’t come as a surprise. We all want to believe our thoughts, ideas, and concerns are important to someone.
And one of the simplest ways a leader can demonstrate that is by giving people their attention.
Think about two different situations.
In the first, an employee approaches their manager with an idea. The manager continues working on the computer, gives an occasional nod, and says something like, “Okay, I’ll think about it.”
In the second, the manager stops what they’re doing, looks at the employee, asks a couple of questions, and takes a genuine interest in what the person has to say.
The manager may not agree with the idea in either situation.
But which employee do you think walks away feeling better about the conversation?
It’s not complicated.
When we give people our attention, we’re communicating something beyond the words we use.
We’re saying, “What you have to say matters to me.”
Now, I realize managers can’t drop everything every time someone wants to talk. There are deadlines, meetings, and other responsibilities.
But there’s nothing wrong with saying, “I’d really like to hear what you have to say. Can we sit down in about 30 minutes when I can give you my full attention?”
That’s a lot better than pretending to listen when your mind is somewhere else.
And believe me, people can usually tell the difference.
Listening Doesn’t Mean Agreeing
This is one of those things I think is worth emphasizing.
Just because you listen to someone doesn’t mean you have to agree with them.
As leaders, we’re going to make decisions that not everyone likes. We’re going to hear opinions that differ from our own. And occasionally, we’re going to have conversations where we strongly disagree with the other person.
That’s part of leadership.
But we can disagree and still make the effort to understand.
In fact, I’d argue that’s when listening becomes even more important.
It’s pretty easy to listen to someone who’s telling us something we already believe.
The challenge comes when someone says something that makes us uncomfortable or causes us to question a decision we’ve made.
Our first instinct may be to defend ourselves.
But what if we resisted that urge for just a minute?
What if we asked, “Help me understand why you feel that way?”
Or, “What am I missing?”
Those are simple questions, but they can completely change the direction of a conversation.
Maybe we’ll discover something we hadn’t considered.
Maybe we’ll gain a better understanding of why the employee feels the way they do.
Or maybe we’ll listen carefully, consider everything they’ve said, and still make the same decision.
That’s okay, too.
The important thing is that we took the time to understand before deciding how to respond.
You can respect someone’s perspective without agreeing with their conclusion.
And I believe good leaders need to be comfortable doing exactly that.
Sometimes the Best Response Is Another Question
One habit that can make a big difference in our listening skills is learning to ask better questions.
Not questions designed to prove our point.
Questions designed to help us understand.
When someone approaches us with a concern, we don’t always need to jump immediately into problem-solving mode.
Sometimes a simple “Tell me a little more about that” can open up an entirely different conversation.
Or we might ask, “What do you think is causing the problem?”
And one of my favorite questions for helping people think through a situation is, “What do you think we should do?”
That question does two things.
First, it helps us understand how the employee sees the situation.
Second, it gives the employee an opportunity to participate in finding the solution.
Think back to Lesson #16, Coach More Than You Correct.
Coaching and listening really go hand in hand. If we’re doing all the talking, we’re probably missing an opportunity to help someone develop their own thinking and judgment.
Of course, there are times when a manager needs to give a direct answer or make a quick decision.
But those situations don’t have to define every conversation we have.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is ask one more question and then be quiet long enough to hear the answer.
A Few Habits Worth Practicing
I don’t believe becoming a better listener requires some complicated process.
For most of us, it comes down to being a little more intentional about how we communicate.
Here are a few things worth thinking about.
Put the distractions aside. If someone needs your attention, give it to them. Put down the phone. Look away from the computer. You might be surprised how much difference that makes.
Let people finish. Even when you think you know where the conversation is going, resist the temptation to interrupt. You may be missing the most important part.
Ask before you answer. One or two additional questions may help you understand something you hadn’t considered.
Make sure you understood. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “Let me make sure I’ve got this right.” It’s better to clarify something than to respond to a misunderstanding.
Be willing to hear things you don’t agree with. If people believe you’ll dismiss their ideas or concerns, eventually they’ll stop bringing them to you.
And that last point is something every leader should think about.
If employees stop sharing their concerns, it doesn’t necessarily mean there are no concerns.
It may mean they’ve decided there’s no point in talking about them.
That’s not a position any leader wants to be in.
One Final Thought
After more than 40 years working in leadership and development, I still believe there’s always something we can improve.
And listening is certainly one of those areas.
No matter how much experience we have, it’s easy to fall into the habit of thinking about our response instead of concentrating on what someone is telling us.
I don’t think most leaders do this intentionally. We’re busy. We’re trying to help. And sometimes we’re just moving too fast.
But good intentions don’t always make us good listeners.
So here’s a challenge for the next time someone comes to you with a question, concern, or idea.
Before offering your opinion or jumping in with a solution, give that person the opportunity to finish.
Ask a question if you need to.
And make sure you really understand what they’re trying to tell you.
You may discover that the conversation goes in a completely different direction than you expected.
Or you might discover that the person already has a pretty good idea about how to solve the problem.
Either way, you’ve accomplished something important.
You’ve listened.
